The problem is, even when you suffer unbearable physical pain, you can’t even tell someone that you need a doctor.
You feel too shy for even the most existential need.
Most of you will think, how silly she is. But this the ugly true of being introvert. Not at all cute, or innocent shyness… it is undefinably stupidity.
I depend financially on others. Yes, I am living in a rich family. But only god knows that I don’t differ from the poor. How you can go to hospital when you aren’t able to call a cab?
I already hear how you say, “why you don’t work and get independent ” aahh.. yea believe me; this is something I really wish. But my life circumstances bond me at home to my 3year old daughter.
And now here I am sitting with immense pain in kidneys, trying to divert my mind with writing nonsense on WordPress.
A friend told me nearly “even if no one will read or understand you, just tell it here, at least you free your mind”. See? I am doing what you said…
Today I ve watched a television serial. It is the story of a poor, young and beautiful widow with four kids. She marries a rich man, who doesn’t know about her children. So the dilemma begins… she wanted to give her hungry children something to eat and a roof about their heads. Maybe her intents weren’t bad; but her kids suffers more as their mother is deniying them.
See? Money isn’t everything. Yes, it is damn important (otherwise How I could be able to visit my beloved India). Nevertheless it isn’t everything.
There is a small girl, she is 5 in the serial. she remembers me to myself with 5.
my mum had to work since I remember myself. She wasn’t at home when my brother and me woke up at6am and prepared ourselves for school. We ate cornflakes, we walked alone to school. We came alone and waited till late in evening alone for our parents. Nobody asked us if we finished homework or studying. We watched tv and passed time with eating nonsense.
When I saw the other german kids who got accompanied by their mothers we felt weird. We didn’t know what it was, but it felt weird.
When I was 16, I had a class mate. Her name was Julia. Her mum prepared every morning lunch for them. They had even tea in their thermos jag. One day Suddenly she got angry and looked to her twin and said angrily “how stupid mum is! I ve told those old box hundred times that I don’t like cheese ”
My answer was “you are such a piece of ungrateful shit. Be happy that your mum is caring for you. I don’t even know till evening if my mum is alive or dead” she was shocked.
My mum worked hard for us. She worked even in two places at same time. She and my dad together granted us our life, we had in Germany. Nothing we missed…as things. But now when we are older, We recognized that we’ve missed our mum. Maybe that’s why he became a drinker and a problem person. And I? Became fat, insecure, introvert and abused woman. Who is hungry for love…
Now, We aren’t hungry. We live in luxury. My screen is broken like hell, ok but hey… I have an IPhone without having a penny in my bag. So this means somehow my life is ok, isn’t it?
The price for being with Nisa is being dependent on others. And I pay this willingly because she is the most important thing in my life. Yes, I suffer, like tonight I do. But when I will look back in 20years, I know that it was the right decision. Because her mum took care that she wouldn’t became an introvert.
Being introvert sucks. I am not able to make new friends as I feel too shy. I can’t go to market because I feel to shy. Only with nisa I am able to go out. And I am 29 and pharmacist….you see how creepy it is. I laugh at myself…