Selfish-

Dedicated to all the people in my life

BUT ESPECIALLY TO YOU!

……………………………………………………………

I wish I would be selfish as you are.

Caring only for my benefits and wishes… talking only to you when I want it…never sacrificing my sleep when I have important appointment next day… how to become selfish? Cant you teach me?

Only being nice when I am horny. Or talk properly when I dont have anything to do… how you do it? Cant you teach me?

Never waiting for a ping of you…never waiting on that cold couch watching senseless to the colorful box called tv to get in the end only a cold message by you…

When I am busy and I mean fucking serious busy, how  to ignore you badly as you do… cant you teach me?

The pain in this chest is disturbing me. The wetness on those chubby cheeks is disturbing me. The love in my heart is disturbing me. Cant you teach me to be cold as you ?

I will never learn this. I am cursed to suffer my whole life. 

Call me and I say yes to you without hesitation; Write me and I mail back to you immediately, never making you wait. Never ignoring you…Cry to me and I make you smile, Laugh with me and I laugh with you… never make you suffer. 

I dont think before, if you are worth my efforts… I just do it because I feel it. Because I love with my heart. Unconditionally. Honestly. Passionately. 

As stupid as I am…

#hati

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Green


Oh my lovely green

How beautiful you are.

When I look at you,

I see the far,

Beyond the scar

Which this world carries.

When I look at you

Tired eyes finds peace.

Let me be a part of you!

I know this wish is impossible 

But latest with my demise

I’ll belong to you.

Oh my lovely green!

I have never seen

A beauty like you!…

#hati

Immortal moment

I look at your photo. My fingers stroke the smooth paper…. I feel your breath, Your sent…I hear your voice and your careless laughter. Everything is perfect. 

I remember all the details of those beautiful day. Our silly chit chats… the dinner and the laughter. With only one glance on your picture, I feel our family. 

United. Happy.

Damn, how much I miss this person on this pic. !

Everything changed mother, but those perfect moment will never change.  I see my mum who cares and loves on this pixelated paper. So I am thankful for photos, who made you immortal for me in a time where we lost each other. 

Forever.

#hati

Hope

They say “hope never dies”

I wish it would die at first.

All the tears and heartbreaks would be spared. 

Hoping is like never ending thirst,

You think everything will be alright,

To recognize in the end, it kills you only the worst.

#hati

Life

Nobody of us will survive this life, so better we don’t take it too serious

I recd this msg n it kept me thinking whole week .. Felt like sharing
Are we earning to pay builders and interior designers, caterers and decorators?  
Whom do we want to impress with our highly inflated house properties & fat weddings?
Do you remember for more than two days what you ate at someone’s marriage? 
Why are we working like dogs in our prime years of life?
How many generations do we want to feed?
Most of us have two kids. Many have a single kid. 
How much is the “need” and how much do we actually “want”?? 

Think about it.
Would our next generation be incapable to earn, that we save so much for them!?!
Can not we spare one and a half days a week for friends, family and self??
Do you spend even 5% of your monthly income for your self enjoyment? 

Usually…No.
Why can’t we enjoy simultaneously while we earn?   
Spare time to enjoy before you have slipped discs and cholesterol blocks in your heart!!!
We don’t own properties, we just have temporary name on documents.
GOD laughs sarcastically, when someone says,

“I am the owner of this land”!!    
Do not judge a person only by the length of his car. 
Many of our science and maths teachers were great personalities riding on scooters!!    
It is not bad to be rich, but it is very unfair, to be only rich.
Let’s get a LIFE, before life gets us, instead….
One day, all of us will get separated from each other; we will miss our conversations of everything & nothing; the dreams that we had. 
Days will pass by, months, years, until this contact becomes rare… One day our children will see our pictures and ask ‘Who are these people?’ And we will smile with invisible tears because a heart is touched with a strong word and you will say: ‘IT WAS THEM THAT I HAD THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE WITH’.
Send this to all your friends & to those who made you smile in any way. 
Thank you for making me smile for sometime in my life.

WRITER: UNKNOWN 
#hati

Message

Why you don’t hear the scream behind my silence, 

Why you don’t see the pain behind my formal words?

I am trying to tell you something,

But I am too scared to show you my wound. 

My tears are playing the bitter sound,

waiting for one message, waiting for this evilish hook turning into blue…

To realize finally that there were waiting only a cold message by you…

#hati

Sometimes

Sometimes I can entertain you,

Sometimes I can make you smile;

And then…

Sometimes I barely manage being alive,

Sometimes I am numb of pain,

I wish I could make you every day smile,

But sometimes my love for you hurts me so much,

That I just want to die…

#hati

Introvert

The problem is, even when you suffer unbearable physical pain, you can’t even tell someone that you need a doctor.

You feel too shy for even the most existential need. 

Most of you will think, how silly she is. But this the ugly true of being introvert. Not at all cute, or innocent shyness… it is undefinably stupidity. 

I depend financially on others. Yes, I am living in a rich family. But only god knows that I don’t differ from the poor. How you can go to hospital when you aren’t able to call a cab? 

I already hear how you say, “why you don’t work and get independent ” aahh.. yea believe me; this is something I really wish. But my life circumstances bond me at home to my 3year old daughter.
And now here I am sitting with immense pain in kidneys, trying to divert my mind with writing nonsense on WordPress. 

A friend told me nearly “even if no one will read or understand you, just tell it here, at least you free your mind”. See? I am doing what you said…

Today I ve watched a television serial. It is the story of a poor, young and beautiful widow with four kids. She marries a rich man, who doesn’t know about her children. So the dilemma begins… she wanted to give her hungry children something to eat and a roof about their heads. Maybe her intents weren’t bad; but her kids suffers more as their mother is deniying them. 

See? Money isn’t everything. Yes, it is damn important (otherwise How I could be able to visit my beloved India). Nevertheless it isn’t everything. 

There is a small girl, she is 5 in the serial. she remembers me to myself with 5. 

my mum had to work since I remember myself. She wasn’t at home when my brother and me woke up at6am and prepared ourselves for school. We ate cornflakes, we walked alone to school. We came alone and waited till late in evening alone for our parents. Nobody asked us if we finished homework or studying. We watched tv and passed time with eating nonsense.

When I saw the other german kids who got accompanied by their mothers we felt weird. We didn’t know what it was, but it felt weird. 

When I was 16, I had a class mate. Her name was Julia. Her mum prepared every morning lunch for them. They had even tea in their thermos jag. One day Suddenly she got angry and looked to her twin and said angrily “how stupid mum is! I ve told those old box hundred times that I don’t like cheese ” 

My answer was “you are such a piece of ungrateful shit. Be happy that your mum is caring for you. I don’t even know till evening if my mum is alive or dead” she was shocked. 

My mum worked hard for us. She worked even in two places at same time. She and my dad together granted us our life, we had in Germany. Nothing we missed…as things. But now when we are older, We recognized that we’ve missed our mum. Maybe that’s why he became a drinker and a problem person. And I? Became fat, insecure, introvert and abused woman. Who is hungry for love…

Now, We aren’t hungry. We live in luxury. My screen is broken like hell, ok but hey… I have an IPhone without having a penny in my bag. So this means somehow my life is ok, isn’t it?

The price for being with Nisa is being dependent on others. And I pay this willingly because she is the most important thing in my life. Yes, I suffer, like tonight I do. But when I will look back in 20years, I know that it was the right decision. Because her mum took care that she wouldn’t became an introvert. 

Being introvert sucks. I am not able to make new friends as I feel too shy. I can’t go to market because I feel to shy. Only with nisa I am able to go out. And I am 29 and pharmacist….you see how creepy it is. I laugh at myself… 

#hati